Wednesday, April 13, 2022

13 April 2022 - with my little "I"


“What are you willing to give me
if I hand him over to you?”
They paid him thirty pieces of silver

Thus did Judas unwitting fulfill the prophecy of Zechariah: "And the Lord said to me, “Throw it to the potter”—the handsome price at which they valued me!" (see Zechariah 11:13). It was the price of a slave according to Exodus 21:32. The valuation made by Judas in accepting the bribe was the very opposite of that made by Mary when she anointed the feet of Jesus with the expensive perfume.

How did it come to this for Judas, or how did he fall so far? He who had been so near to Jesus, who had received so much of his teaching, who been sent out by him to work miracles and proclaim the good news? Did he decide that the plan of Jesus was taking too long? Did he disagree with the choice of Jesus about on whom the blessings of the Kingdom should be bestowed? Did he disagree with the way in which Jesus turned those who were once enemies into friends?

“Amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”
Deeply distressed at this,
they began to say to him one after another,
“Surely it is not I, Lord?”

There were several reasons why Jesus may not have wanted to immediately single out Judas even though he knew who would betray him. But among these was reasons was the response it did in fact cause in the hearts of his disciples: introspection and examination of conscience.

Deeply distressed at this,
they began to say to him one after another,
“Surely it is not I, Lord?”

The disciples had a hard time imagining any of their group as a traitor. But perhaps this was because they had built up a cohesive image as followers dedicated to their teacher. Any chink in the armor around that self-image put every individual ego at risk. If any one of them was capable of such a thing, perhaps all of them were. And if the disciples who lived and shared the mission with Jesus himself realized this, what of us? Have we crafted a self-image as faithful followers of Jesus by selecting only the data that agrees with that image and by ignoring information which shows that our commitment is partial at best?

He said in reply,
“He who has dipped his hand into the dish with me
is the one who will betray me.

We are like the disciples in that we too have shared with Jesus around his table and yet we sometimes choose to act in ways that contradict his will for us. Even venial sins are in some sense betrayals, when we consider all that Jesus has done for us, and all the reasons he has given for us to trust and obey him.

Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me (see Psalm 41:9).

Even Peter, brash and bold though he was, was not so courageous as to follow his master so closely on during the hour of darkness that he himself would be in any danger. He remained a spectator, unwilling to bear witness to his friend and master even when he was specifically asked. We may in turn think of times when we've been asked about Jesus but have found ourselves at a loss and responded with something we know we ought to have said. But between Judas and Peter we see the important difference between regret and repentance. For Judas did regret his decision, apparently coming to wish "he had never been born". But Peter repented and his sorrow led him to be restored once more to spiritual life (see Second Corinthians 7:20).

Consider: What do we feel happening in our hearts as the hour of Jesus draws near again this year liturgically? What happens when the reality of the suffering servant of Isaiah is again placed before our eyes?

And I have not rebelled,
have not turned back.
I gave my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who plucked my beard;
My face I did not shield
from buffets and spitting.

By fulfilling this prophecy Jesus was in fact living out the very beatitudes that had been his teaching. But seeing him exposed and vulnerable, is there not a part of us that pushes back? Is there not a part that wishes that such beatitudes were not in fact the deep underlying integral structure of love itself? We see Jesus vulnerable and exposed and we know that to honor him means that we ourselves must follow him and embrace this same truth. Our egos will tend to shut us down, distract us, and prevent us from even paying attention to this truth as much as it can. But Jesus himself can lead us past our ego all the way inside of the living logic of love where this suffering makes sense, where it indeed becomes sweet, a fragrant offering to God for the sake of the world.

Who disputes my right?
Let him confront me.
See, the Lord GOD is my help;
who will prove me wrong?


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