Peter had been so full of certainty that he would not betray the Lord even if all of the others fell away.
Peter answered him, “Though they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away.” (see Matthew 26:33).
He even claimed that he was willing to die with Jesus rather than abandon him (see Matthew 26:35). And perhaps he would have been able to die if had been in battle, if Jesus had not commanded him to put his sword away (see Matthew 26:52). But he proved unable to follow the path of humiliation, disempowerment, and surrender that Jesus himself chose. It was when he was gathered around a charcoal fire that Peter denied that he was a disciple of Jesus or that he even knew him (see John 18:18). It seems as though he was swept in in an urgent need to protect himself, to put himself first, that was so intense that it made him forget his friendship with Jesus. It was as though the rooster's crow brought him fully back to himself and made him come to terms with the full tragedy of what he had just done. Peter must have realized that he had not only failed to keep a series of increasingly rash promises he had made in the heat of a charged moment, but had failed at something more vital.
So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven (see Matthew 10:32-33).
Given the pride of place Peter had as the rock on whom the Church was to be built and the one who received in a special way the keys to the kingdom his failure and his betrayal of Jesus might have seemed unforgivable. It might not have been surprising for him to assume as Judas did that there was no hope left for him in this life and to end it all. But Peter was blessed to know that Jesus knew of his fall and advance, and had a mercy that was greater than any power of Peter to betray him. He had heard Jesus say, "but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers" (see Luke 22:32). Yet even seeing Jesus speak calmly about his betrayal in advance, and his desire to see him restored afterward, Peter must have wondered, could things ever be the same? Surely after all of that he was at best a second class disciple, not at all a rock capable of bearing the weight of the founding of a Church, not at all trustworthy to hold the keys he had been given.
"Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?"
Simon Peter answered him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said to him, "Feed my lambs."
Because it would not have been enough for Peter to simply hear Jesus say he was forgiven Jesus restored him in a way that recapitulated his earlier denial in such a way as to allow Peter to replace his previously spoken 'no's' to the Lord with 'yes's'. These were not spoken from the same place as his rash promises from before but were rather torn from a heart full of the knowledge of its own limitations, but nevertheless willing to entrust itself to this opportunity for mercy. If he had denied Jesus three times, Jesus would have him affirm his love three times.
Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time,
"Do you love me?" and he said to him,
"Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you."
Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep.
Peter had to be emptied of himself, that self that rashly made promises it could not keep, in order to share in the destiny of Jesus and follow his way of the cross. Previously he had too much self will within him that insisted on dressing himself and going where he himself wanted to go. But his betrayal was transformed by Jesus and his mercy into something good, something that broke open the heart of Peter and made it able to love as Jesus himself had first loved him.
but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands,
and someone else will dress you
and lead you where you do not want to go."
He said this signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God.
Peter was not a second class disciple and his sinfulness did not present an obstacle to Jesus using him as he desired precisely because Peter was willing to keep hoping in Jesus rather than succumbing to despair. He was willing to fully avail himself of the mercy Jesus offered rather than assuming that he was somehow to far gone even for Jesus. And so Peter was made into an even more solid rock than perhaps he would have been had he never fallen. He now deeply understood that everything depended on Jesus and his mercy. He now knew that there was nothing on earth worth betraying his Lord. He was ready now at last, with no terms or conditions imposed from his side, to hear Jesus say, "Follow me" and to obey.
The fearless of the early disciples did not stem from their innate abilities or inborn confidence. Their courage was instead a gift of the Holy Spirit made possible by the mercy of Jesus himself. Paul did not fearlessly appeal for the Emperor's decision because of his own impeccable credentials but because Jesus had saved him and chosen him as his own. He had saved him from a path of evil and showed him what he would have to suffer for his sake. Surprisingly this made him an even stronger witness than he could have been otherwise.
And when Paul appealed that he be held in custody
for the Emperor's decision,
I ordered him held until I could send him to Caesar.
Most contemporary disciples in first world nations remain relatively untested. Some of us make bold and even rash promises and statements about not abandoning our Lord and our faith. And our intentions are good enough. But if we want to be made capable of living these out we need to come to terms in advance with the full scope of our need for the mercy of God, which is not less than it was for Peter and Paul. This mercy can break open our hearts, allowing them to be rooted in something bigger than ourselves, and allowing God himself to fill them with courage and strength by his Spirit.
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