“Amen, amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”
Jesus knew the one who it would be. But by stating it in this way he gave his disciples and gives us all an opportunity to search our conscious. These others around us seem so trustworthy, so dedicated to the following Christ. We would like to know who the traitor will be so that we ourselves can be exonerated. We try at all costs to suppress the question, "Is it me?" Yet we sense in ourselves that it could be. We could be the traitor. And so we ask.
And they were very sorrowful and began to say to him one after another, “Is it I, Lord?” (see Matthew 26:22).
The disciple whom Jesus loved was able to take these questions to the Lord himself. It could not have been his confidence in himself that allowed him to ask on behalf of Peter. Instead, it must have been his confidence in being loved by Jesus that gave him the courage. He knew that this love didn't depend on who he was but rather on who Jesus was. It was probably not the case that even he was sure he was not the traitor. But he could hope that even if he was revealed to be the traitor he could still hope for forgiveness, to hope that the love which he had known would continue.
He leaned back against Jesus’ chest and said to him,
“Master, who is it?”
It is important to experience ourselves as the disciples whom Jesus loves so that we can ask him these searching questions. At times we do in fact betray Jesus. We cannot follow him now in full obedience as he goes to the cross. And so we compromise, we sin, we deny him by our words and our deeds. We take the silver coins instead of owning our friendship with him, perhaps telling ourselves that we can do some good with the silver. We need Jesus to reveal this to us. We need him to help us take an honest look at ourselves. But we cannot do this effectively unless we first know ourselves as loved. If that love isn't the starting point we will experience not conviction and conversion, but condemnation leading to despair. Condemnation is what the Devil wants for us, not what Jesus wants. In condemnation we don't experience the thread of possibility for change that is only found in the love of Christ. Conviction is different. It is an an experience of the problem, but with a view toward renewal and restoration. It is not a judgment that we are unlovable. It is rather given precisely because we are loved.
Peter said to him,
“Master, why can I not follow you now?
I will lay down my life for you.”
Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me?
Amen, amen, I say to you, the cock will not crow
before you deny me three times.”
Peter and Judas weren't that different in that they both betrayed Jesus. The difference came in how they experienced the realization of what they had done. Judas, not understanding that he too was meant to be a beloved disciple, experienced condemnation that closed the door to repentance. Peter experienced conviction, profound, yes, and with tears, but conviction which led finally to his threefold repentance.
He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep (see John 21:17).
Jesus is deeply grieved precisely when we take his words as condemnation and not as conviction. He did not come to condemn (see John 3:17) but rather to send the Holy Spirit to convict (see John 16:8).
He wants to help us to walk in victory, but this victory is concealed when we sin. The power of Jesus is hidden. But it isn't necessarily wasted.
He made me a polished arrow,
in his quiver he hid me.
You are my servant, he said to me,
Israel, through whom I show my glory.
Though I thought I had toiled in vain,
and for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength,
Yet my reward is with the LORD,
my recompense is with my God.
Though we lose sight of the victory, though we do receive discipline from the Lord, we can trust that he still loves us and that he can bring something great even from our failures. He himself said that, "he who is forgiven little, loves little" (see Luke 7:47). Let us experience ourselves as loved, receive forgiveness, and come to love much ourselves, and walk in and reveal the victory of the Lord.
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